This was probably not the kind of post you guys were expecting from me this week but this is something I have been wanting to write for a while and with the recent big changes happening right now for me, now was as good a time as any to get these cards on the table. First of all I know I set myself the schedule earlier this month but recent changes means I won’t be able to keep on top of it, as to why well I guess I need to talk about myself and mental illness to fully explain everything.
As a child I was a handful, big time. I lacked any focus what so ever as well as had a lot of anger. At age seven I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, but you probably know it better as ADHD. I was medicated to help me focus and my parents also took strict control of my diet not allowing certain foods into the household due to them setting me off. I was on the medication for just under a decade before in high school I took myself off them because they were causing headaches and other problems for me.
During my time in school from year 4 onward’s I was bullied and isolated constantly by my peers for being different, which on top of the ADHD caused me to begin to suffer from anxiety and depression. The bullying I received ranged from students in my class refusing to work with me when the teacher would give us group assignments, students stealing my school supplies and either binning or hiding them to full on teasing on the playground and harassment during class whenever the teacher had their back turned.
In high school my anxiety and depression manifested itself into extreme bouts of anger and exploding in the middle of the class and shouting and screaming, this of course just caused me to get bullied more. I ended up leaving high school during the first term of year 11. I gave up on myself and my anxiety has steadily grown worse since then. I am now nearing my thirties and still suffer from anxiety, depression and ADHD.
To add to this I also suffer from severe back pain due to damage to my shoulders because for a time a had very large breasts. I’m now a DD after a reduction but still suffer from pain almost daily, this of course is why I have been looking for work for so long.
Recently however it has been made clear to me that I may never be able to work full time due to the damage to my shoulders and back, this news of course has not helped my depression and I find myself probably smoking more than I should, I need to quit as it is a habit I cannot afford but it is one of the few things that helps calm me when I can feel an anxiety attack coming on.
Add to this one more piece of news. I still live at home with my parents and brother and the decision has been made for us to move. Our house is currently on the market and we are in the process of packing up our belongings. My mum and myself packed up my books, my collection of toys and part of my dvd collection today. People with ADHD like myself do not cope well with major change. Routine is something I need to keep myself grounded and at the moment that routine has been ripped from beneath my feet.
As I keep telling my mum ‘Logically I understand why we are moving and why these changes are happening, but on an emotional level I don’t know if I’m coping.’
My posts will most likely go back to being erratic until we have settled in our new home, but I still hope you can enjoy my blog as much as I am enjoying writing it. Also if you want to keep up to date with what I am working on feel free to follow me on twitter @mistressofyaoi
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I hope everything sorts out for you too. As someone with depression since 13, when I tried to kill myself, and had suicide thoughts till I was 18 but am now 25 and still have never gotten a job or much studies because of that, I understand some of what you’re feeling.
I’ve now reached medical help, because I can be well and then get depressed again, and I find I can’t control it but I’ve only started the medication so I don’t know yet if it’ll work. But I feel you’re very strong, and you can do it, we’re still young and have a whole life in front of us, so we can do it. We have to hold on.
How I deal with my blog, to not have anxiety over it, is that I’m scheduling posts, I have this whole year already done and scheduled, as well as some for next year, and it helps a lot.
/hugs and sends best wishes
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